THE CRAPPER SPEAKS
Friday, September 29, 2006
Will I sing for You Jesus, or in awe of You be still.I remember the times I felt dry.
I remember the times I felt burdened.
I remember the times I felt ecstatic.
People go through a tumble of emotions.
But I always want to come back to the basics, what's inside.
When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come.If life was a kidnapping incident and Jesus paid the ransom, how come the people have been so used to living under the kidnapper that they refuse to go back home? Or maybe they do, but their so used to the voice of thee kidnapper and have forgotten the One that paid for their release. But still God is faithful...
Measured out the universe and You made me.I've only just begun to see the miracles God has done. A backslided brother returning to God, a direct sharing bearing fruits, touching lives in one encounter, feeling so loved as I sit here that I can't help but want to spread it around. If at my deathbed, I really really wonder, what will go through my mind as I step into eternity.
He called me by my name, when God ran.I think the people in my life will flash by.
I think the things in my life that matter will come out strongly.
I think the things in my life that didn't will stick out like a sore thumb.
I don't like what pleasures I've obtained will come into mind.
I think I will start to think about the people in my life who were not saved.
I think I would worry for the ones I love.
I think I would pray for them greatly.
I think I would understand many things which before I never could.
I think I would be thankful for the vision from so long ago.
I think I would proclaim that He is God.
Won't you come and heed your Father's cry...
Psychedelic;
6:59 PM
Thursday, September 28, 2006
It's amazing the way things happen. I reminisced about my very first year in RP and in Hope as I jump through the many many blogs that I came across from before. I still have my friendster blog, and its a blessing I didn't delete it yet. The bad hair days (I still have them), the wrong choices, the people who have once etched a memory in my life and gone past, the inspirations that grow dusty with time. Yet, I can't help but realise the bulk of what I remember lay this year. I'm not saying my 1st year was boring or not memorable or what. It's just, I don't know, when I start to see myself as part of the awesome plan, doing something, its clearer in my mind.
The people, the core team, they are a part of my make-up. Jason Nehemiah, Jason, Jovin, Sharon, Martin, Alvin. I can't help but think about them over and over again each day. Leaders to the rest of the flock. We need to grow ourselves well; only then will we be ready to protect and nurture the flock. People who have left, they left for reasons. I'm pretty confident if they come back now, we'll see a different outcome. Annointing comes with a price that hurts our carnal nature in the short term, but ultimately brings us a step closer to God's presence. It's true, each time a testing comes, I cling on just barely. God asks beyond what our human effort can give. And that's the condition for miracles to appear.
God, how do I give all my heart totally to You and not leave any part of it to someone else? You know what's my desire, and You know my situation.
Psychedelic;
5:59 AM
Oh God give Your servant a sign of assurance. Give me strength, for I do not wish, nor know not to fight on my own strength. Give me consistency and refresh my spirit day by day. I will not be felled. God You said everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, I can't find that reason at all. But then it dawns upon me; You are the reason.
I want to be strong for You.
Those prophecies...
Psychedelic;
4:07 AM
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Thought I'd explain what I learnt from the mega games.
I really thought hard about what lessons I can learnt. I'll first describe how the game is played.
There are two teams of beyond 20 players each.
Each team selects a Commander, a Sub-Commander/Advisor
The Commander assigns waterguns to 10 selected players.
The rest get water bombs and paper bullets.
Each player gets a water balloon, that is his/her life.
No aiming of vital parts.
The game is played in a grid of 19x7 square boxes each measuring roughly 1m x 1m. A life-sized dice is rolled and the subsequent number will reflect the amount of movement actions a team can make. For eg. if six is rolled, the Commander can choose 6 players in his/her team to move 1 step each, or 1 player to move 6 steps, or something similar.
To me, this is what I've got:
Each team is a Unit of leaders. The Commander is the UL, who charts the direction and encourages the team by routinely shouting the slogan.
The Sub-Commander is the Core Team of the Commander, who advises and drafts alternative plans/considerations. An Aide to the Commander.
Players are the Unit members who are fundamental in making the Unit what it is.
Everyone should initially agree on an identical communication channel. For example, if one hand is raised, all the rest stop talking for the person. Leaders know when to talk and when to keep quiet.
Instructions to players should be followed with obedience, because even though the Commander does not know everything (what the enemy is going to move, result of the game), what he/she does is making what he/she feels is the best course of action. With the birds'-eye view, the Commander is in the most strategic position for organising battle-plans.
The game is biased towards aggresive play, because an either/or victory is sought.
Psychedelic;
10:34 AM
Just read Nel's blog
here. I cried.
To Nel:
I often remember how many times I made you angry, or disappointed or sad. I always wanted to live up to the role of a CL and leader. I've learnt through the camp, though, that that's not what I'm supposed to do that. I've to be led and grown into the role. Led by the Spirit, and grown into a leader. God has always reminded me that time is limited. I won't blame my personality or what. I should take the responsibility. I really really really really really really really really look up to you as a leader and model for my life and want to become a leader, if only I can share the life transformation testimony that God meant for everybody. I won't waste anymore time le. Alvin's chicken pox really got me thinking. No more distractions.
And then I went on to Liyan's blog. My apologies for being a silent visitor. I'm really looking forward to evangelism tomorrow. I know I do not have as much faith as I want to have, but I'll grasp as much as I can and bring it to the frontline. After hearing from Alvin (through the phone), about several leaders, I can't help but wish that I could be like them. Nevertheless, I'm positive about the future, because I know where God wants me to be and for what. There will be trials ahead. I pray that I can stand up to them...
Concurrently, I was talking to Heng Yu.
If there's a deeper love I can grow for my sheeps, I'd love to grow it. If there's anything more that I can do for my sheeps, I'd love to do it. Not hard being stumped sometimes. Not easy trying to pick up and reconsider. But everytime I think of where Heng Yu will be if not for God, I dread to give up. God help this shepherd help his sheep. I'm glad to take up any challenges and problems. Fear is a common problem. Faith is uncommon valour.
My pastoral is key.
Psychedelic;
10:12 AM
Touched. Anointed. Granted vision. Grateful. Miracle. Mould.I love Jesus. If I could video record every single emotion, thought etc I've gotten in the camp, I'd be jumping for joy, delirious at capturing the very experience I'd prayed for for a long time.
I love the camp committee team. We're a bunch of God-loving, good-hearted people who love to serve others. And I know for sure, I am inexperienced. Nevertheless, God grew us in power because of what He has in store for us.
I love the workshop. Thank God for Sam. Thank God for experiential learning. I always was the theory paper lover. Rarely had I a chance to learn experientially and actually
get it. And I am confident of how I am a part of God's plan.
I love the teachings. Vision, Anointing, Character. What more needs to be said? I'm really excited for all the CLa/CL s. We're so looking forward to a breakthrough! I can sense the enthusiasm. A little word; Be confident in God, power will be given through the Spirit.
I love the miracles.
Clearing out the guys dorm in record time. God really is moving.
The way the little bumpy things smoothen themselves out.
A culinary contribution from Windez that is more than edible.
A burden for servanthood and a desire for miracle-doing.
A prayer breakthrough.
And I've made some choices for myself, that I know will best build the Kingdom of God.
Above all, it starts within me. A leader can't ask anyone else to do what he doesn't want to do. I didn't take a walk in the park today. I took a walk with God's people. We did life together.
But above all, I'm thankful you blessed my shepherd with improved condition. Even though he wasn't there, it feels he's learnt something as well!
Deeper in love with You. Worship and faith breaks all pretentions before the Word of God.And for those prophecies, I'm truly terrified, but God is with me.
Psychedelic;
9:25 AM
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Anniversary video. Leadership Camp. Woohoo, life's getting more hectic.And interesting.
I still remember in the start of the RP holidays, I asked God for things to do. At that time I was very annoyed by the fact that I was wasting away time; now only do I realise, the problem doesn't lie with what I am given, but what I notice to do. And I learnt it the hard way.
I'll have to admit I let my emotions and laziness affect me through the course of the anniversary video, so much so that I drained myself so much. Well at least God saved me at the very end. It was a breakthrough not only in terms of my editing technique, but also the realisation of what was wrong with my character.
And then came the time when I was questioned about what I was doing. No, really, I mean,
what am I doing??? I couldn't find the answer. And I was rebuked. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I wasn't satisfied with what effort I was doing, but at least I did do my best at that point in time.
And then it came. Hard and fast. My shepherd's stricken with chicken pox. I mean, it may have been a really normal thing, to be inflicted by an illness. But the debilitating illness had really caused me to think. Am I living my life for eternity? If that was the way I were to live my life, I knew I'd regret at my deathbed.
I've been blessed with very encouraging brothers and sisters around. Really. Martin, ahahaha, we might not have gotten along well in the early days, perhaps because of my hyper-activity and "ku ku-ness", but at least he's warming up to me. And both Jasons are awesome. The realisation that the door to my destiny lies in God's plan is one thing. The realisation that the key to this door is my heart is another.
It's not enough to do just for honouring your shepherd, or to maintain your CG. A core-team member/CLa should aim to operate like a CL, and a CL should aim to operate like a UL. That's the only way, in my view of things. Because if you don't make sure you go up in God, the devil's going to make sure you go down.
I want to have a bigger heart for people.
I want to be less emotional.
I want to value people more.
I want to cry for every drop of tear I let God shed.
I want to do it. I can do it.
I want to lead by example.
I want to sacrifice, but all I desire is mercy.
I want to become us, a team.
And here's the time to thank God for the wonderful people encountered during these few weeks.
1. Steven, Toby and the rest of those who helped me in the anniversary dance production.
2. Lennon and the rest of the leadership camp committee. We're going to be servants for the rest of the leaders!
3. Liyan! Even before the official shuffle, she's been an awesome friend and leader! Thanks for the advice and encouragement! Look forward to building RP with ya and Tim!
4. The RP team. We are a team. Let's dream a team's dream. Build a team's vision. Finish a team's victory. I've realised one thing; I can't imagine life without RP ministry. I'm a sucker at speech, but ya all feel the heart ba.
5. Jasmine, she's been awesome in imparting her confidence into me, through little gestures!
6. Nel, you don't know how much we're going to miss the Watermelon... NP and TP, ya all better treasure her! wahahaha
And I've got an upcoming DVD project to look forward to! My very first DVD authoring role, but I hope God will bless! Then I can help Tertiary with future DVD authoring projects! Score 1 for Jesus in Media! :)
And now, back to work for Jesus, A purpose in perspective.
Psychedelic;
4:23 PM
Monday, September 11, 2006
I'll never know how much it costs to see my sin upon the Cross...It's not about self-discovery, it's about Spirit-discovery.
You know something cool? Well on Sunday, I went to Nexus. The journey was relatively uneventful and the weather seemed fine. However, I came out of Somerset station only to see a heavy downpour distrupt the final leg of my journey. It was already late in the afternoon and I was worried I couldn't get there on time to do
any work. After doddering around Specialist Shopping Centre, I decided to pray in faith for the rain to stop. The rain lightened but I thought, "that's not enough..." Not longer than 1 minute later, the rain reduced to a drizzle and I dashed through as the green man came on. I didn't have to; the rain stopped completely (I think, because I didn't feel the rain at all)!
I made my way past Centrepoint into Cuppage dry. As I reached the 6th floor, I saw a brother leaving for home. He came back promptly; there was a heavy downpour and he came back for an umbrella. o_O"!
I came to You in weakness, You gave me strength and consolation. Now I want to share it all around!
Psychedelic;
10:22 AM
Sunday, September 10, 2006
o_O *clears away the cobwebs*
Some musings:
A day full of reflection.
Knots in my stomach.
Things to ponder about; within and beyond ministry.
A little bit more victory against that engine deterioration I feel each holiday, but still too little in my opinion.
Annointing I wish to bring glory to.
A mask to unveil.A body to heal.A vision to craft.A God to seek.Got to know the MM team upstairs during these few days I've been working on the Anniversary Dance clip.
SIX MORE DAYS! A R G H ! I even got to know a sister who's going to facilitate in RP very soon! ;)
Had a taste of Adobe Premiere Pro on Thursday. Have been working on it almost everyday ever since. :D And I'm glad I've almost cured my addiction of MSN through sheer abstinence!
The past few days have been very trying on my confidence. Failed projects, over-enthusiastic goals... It's taught me to sit down, reflect and really prioritise.
High priority, high urgency?
High priority, low urgency?
Low priority, high urgency?
Low priority, low urgency?
Laptop's down for the count, internet-wise. I'm officially "grounded" offline if I decide to use it.
Oh God. I need a miracle. I need to concentrate & I need a miracle.
Psychedelic;
12:12 AM
Monday, September 04, 2006
...Honestly, I feel like killing, cursing, screaming, mutilating etc, whichever is easiest. My laptop is infected with over 50 trojans, over 50 adware and dozens of other nonsense. I've officially given up on use my laptop for anything online; am using my PC to fix this blog post. And because for the past 3(ish) consecutive days my bro has been on the PC in Maplestory, I was stuck without my beloved blog. Cheers to all who loyally visit my blog. It's alive again!
In an interesting turn of events, I see myself literally revived. I realised how true is it that when we truly desire, even in our lack of desire, God can grant us desire to desire. Deep? =X Ah well, anyway I was about to update another post full of how I lost every single mahjong round yesterday, save the last two rounds, and what I did for the past few days, including the usual rant about how limited my time was when I decided to stop, and hear what God had to say to me...
It's amazing how God teaches us a lesson that we thought we learnt the first time. Then He comes by with the same lesson in another form and we fail miserably. And we realise we've still got a distance to cover. My engines always slow down in the hols, so I really thank God for the holiday crush I have right now. Crammed up to holy business, to keep me from going rusty. I do need that regular kickstart here and there, but at least I'm kept on my toes. After just sitting back and observing today, I mean, I've made some interesting observations. And I thank God for Himself, as well as the people who have not given up on me all these while; sometimes it just comes to a point when I tell God, I'm stuck. And thank God He answers.
Tomorrow's another day full of activities and I pray that I don't forget the essence of life and end up slogging for the temporal. I'm easily satisfied. Let it not be that I'm satisfied now only to regret later. Oh and Jesus loves you, everyone of you.
Good news. I feel more alive now than I did for the past 1 week. Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.
Psychedelic;
9:40 AM
