THE CRAPPER SPEAKS
Friday, July 14, 2006
You know how the mind always works faster than our actions. And how there's this thing in the air which screams," slow down!" It took me much to get my creative juices flowing. It took me, I'd say, a death unto myself to really do the video. It's like, I love the finished product, but I don't want to go through the grueling process. I face it; I'm lazy as anything. And honestly, I doubted my skills as an editor. I mean, come on, no experience, no training, no skills, lack of creativity, I couldn't see any result.
I took an extended sleep, a prayer directed at my work, a promise to give the glory to God, a whole segment of my time just observing the videos others did, toying around with Windows Movie Maker and numerous break in between. I could have avoid most of them if I had more faith, perhaps save the prayer and giving glory to God.
So I laboured. The teaser came out much better than I expected, and I was excited. But that wasn't enough to motivate me to completing the clip. There was so much internal battle within; so much struggling with doing the video and giving up halfway. Then suddenly, I lost it. It's funny how each time a breakthrough happens when I decide since I've started it, I'll end it. I was even on the verge of restarting the whole editing process.
But now, 15 hours later, I'm really glad I didn't. The clip came out pretty fine. I'm very honoured to complete with Alvin. He's sort of the one who inspired me to all this. Since the Bash Camp, I'm grateful for all these times. When he brought me to salvation, I'm sure he didn't expect all this.
Power-packed. I stand on shaky feet. Delirious.When I look at myself, I see the opposite of Paul. His faith, perseverance, stature, drive, reliance on God, self-denial, contentment.
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I never wanted to be an elder brother, but that's plain selfish. I've always wanted to be the younger, protected one. I've always looked up at my elder brother as the alpha-male. From the "treasure maps" to the "treasure island", I've always looked upon him with awe. It came to a point I realise on hindsight, I totally ignored my younger brother. To me, my elder brother was all it mattered. I still wonder where those food recipes we took for treasure maps are now. And in those tiny grass patches we took for treasure islands, a single 1-cent coin or bottle cap meant the world. Every computer game I sat by my elder brother's side, being his chief advisor and strategist, while keeping on the lookout for any hotspots through the radar. That's how I learnt how to keep a close watch and even base my sight on my radar nowadays. Should anything wrong come about, I knew my elder brother would always be at the controls, steering through every rough patch. And when it came time for kindergarten, I cried terribly when I got lost on the way home or something. I guess that's what spawned my bad sense of direction; dependence.
Deep inside, more than a decade's worth of reliance can't be erased that quickly. Each time I'm faced with a trouble ahead, I reminisce about the days when my hands were small. It didn't help; it always made me feel small.
God brought a fresh new breath into my life. He came in and set upon me a replacement elder brother (Alvin) and sister (Pearline) into my life, to get me on my feet. But unlike the elder brother I've grown out of; they didn't stop at helping me through my life as were a guardian; they taught me how to be the elder brother, and that I should always be mindful that in the case I get flustered, there's always Dad from on high. Sometimes it still is hard, but I must say I prefer my current life to the sheltered one before. What if I were a little boy in a man's body all my life? No, I don't think I could forgive myself; let alone live with it.
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Psychedelic;
10:01 AM
