THE CRAPPER SPEAKS
Friday, June 30, 2006
Out. Out. Out. It's a bummer they want me to be at home when they get back. Thanks for the "I am disappointed in you," sms dad. You know what? Vice versa. I'm seriously tired of explaining anything. You ask for feedback, but what I say, you regard as rebellion. Seriously, I'd have gone off to my grave were it not for God and the rest. Everyday would have been a deeper sink into depression, just like when I was younger; when you didn't know. I honestly can't remember when you last encouraged, but I can clearly remember the last time you said you were disappointed in me. Once yesterday night, once this morning, when I came back. I can't be your perfect robot, you understand?I'm left wondering, why in the world do people carry handphones when they expect not to use them? I really can't stand going home everyday facing scolding and discouragement. I mean sometimes I stay up late just to wait for dad, and before I can say anything, he starts scolding and stuff.
You know how hard I prayed yesterday God.
Help me through this.
Psychedelic;
6:50 PM
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Friday. One more day. *Drags himself to the next day*
So close. Had Care Group today. o_O..."! Nel had a change of hairstyle. Quite shocked, but at least she don't look so auntie :X. I'm tired. Many of us are tired. Really thank God for Nel, who reminded us to search within. Our purpose, our purpose, our purpose. Can someone drill it into me? Deep within me. Make it not just our purpose, but
my purpose. I want to
own and
know it.
This week's been slow. Very. And I wonder why. Is it because of the UTs? Or the dental? Ah well, got to go.
Psychedelic;
10:31 AM
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
It's a first. I'm glad God intervened. To be able to speak with my classmates as friends and not be wary of them; awesome. I'm really glad I discarded all perceptions. Well most. At times I still don't know what to say, but I guess the whole environment's improved a lot. It really motivates me to come to school! I'm surprised I didn't skip class today even though I had the chance. But then again, God works wonders! :D
Bit by bit. Today's a weird day. Got a strange feeling. Hmmm.............
Psychedelic;
7:15 AM
Sunday, June 25, 2006
What's the purpose of my blog? Somehow through the meet-up with Ben just now, we came upon this question. I guess my original intention was to testify to God's love in my life, on top of satisfying my deep passion for writing. Through the past few weeks though, I guess Scrummy's purpose now has changed. So what's Scrummy still here for?
To encourage.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but encouragement is something I've learnt, that comes less and less as we take up leadership. Looking back, I've seen days when I'm in a limbo. I mean, the between the leaders and the rest, there honestly doesn't seem to be anyone in between to talk to. Some of us feel this way; others don't. Yet encouragement, whether upwards or downwards, is beneficial for building people out.
And for everyone out there who's reading this, give yourself a pat on your back. :)
School tomorrow, once again. It's going to be another challenge getting to know my classmates better. *breathes* I'm ready!
Psychedelic;
4:12 AM
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Windez's not a very courageous person. I guess that's exactly what God wants to build in me. Find it excruciatingly difficult to build up this part of my life, considering my muted childhood and silent teenagehood.
I guess the Xiao gang can identify, but most, if not all of you aren't reading this blog. We've drifted too far; my fault. I'd start off a race thinking I'd lose. Self-prophecies. Worked a long way to get this far, all thanks to the grace of God.
But that's not at all an excuse. Joshua's a shining example. Leading the Israelites when for 40 years Moses could not find the way. Beyond that; he led the Israelites to drive the natives out of the land to claim the inheritance God gave them. What fortitude. What about Jeremiah? At the greenest of youth, being made to prophesy not words of encouragement, but words of judgement and despair. What faith.
Where am I? I refuse to say, far from their standards.
I'm on my way. RP doesn't have the luxury of a UL yet. I call it a luxury because I believe RPians are tough. We can make it. We can succeed in building a biblical group that's strong within and without. It's just a matter of faith, courage and willingness. I'm going to surround myself with biblical people to grow biblically. I'm going to be the disciple with the goal of discipling.
I'm going to put into practice what I've learnt. And that means starting with sleeping early. I'm off to get some restful sleep. You should too. ;)
Psychedelic;
10:47 AM
Friday, June 23, 2006
God will make a way. For my CG, and for myself. Very encouraged after the dinner with Lester and Stanley. Agreed. Challenges hide potential within. Really thank God for these two bros. Encouraged me a lot!
Mwahahahaha, I won the food fight and the chilli fight. This place is my turf! :P
Had considerably lesser rice today than before; 3 mega big plates? Both Stanley and Lester were felled by the spiciness of the chilli.
So we had Emping (Belinjo crackers), Sambal Belacan (chilli), Onde-Onde (pandan sugar balls,
explodes in your mouth!) and Godok Pisang (banana balls) for appetizers.
The main course was Ayam Pemuda (fried chicken meat), Sayur Lodeh (curry veggie, my favourite kind), Sambal Udang (Chilli prawns, less spicy) & the all-time favourite Sate Ayam (chicken satay).
1 word to describe it all,
bloated.
There is power all around. Even in the seemingly weakest of us, there is power!
Psychedelic;
9:22 AM
Ever felt guilty missing out on ministry? Or when you take time off to rest, you get that icky feeling that you aren't making productive use of your time? I have. Well good news:
Rest is productive. Relaxation is productive.And sometimes, being physically present, getting into the habit of doing ministry, we lose focus of what God really wants for us; a balanced life. We start to get obsessed at every point in our waking life, and feel guilty about taking that 1 day's off. And that isn't what God wants for us.
Now now, don't go around quoting this post and saying we shouldn't participate in ministry. What I mean is, sometimes, do we take a step back and evaluate, is the focus on God, or are we, in our obsession, doing ministry in habit? Are we
habitual/ministry-centred Christians or Christ-centred Christians?
Often times, this is the reason why we experience burn-out. Things spiral out of control and our life is shambles. Looking back, it isn't difficult to pile all blame on ourselves, that we aren't doing enough. Take time to give yourself that God-sent boost. Take time to seek Him in totality. Remember,
We can never do enough; only more. In doing more, we should become more, not less.
Simple questions to ask yourself:
1. Have you made small talk with your Father today?
2. Stop being so serious/rigid in your QT, God wants you to be comfortable in His presence.
3. Not only should you hear, but apply!
****
Psychedelic;
2:21 AM
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Get the psychatrist!I wish I could get angry. LOL. But I can't! I'm just laughing and laughing at the whole incident. Boarded a train toward Somerset 'cos Alvin said there was going to be an adult drama rehearsal today and we can learn much from them. So I gullibly went along. Guess what? When we reached Newton, Alvin received a call, and promptly proceeded to inform me that we need not continue the journey; the rehearsal was tomorrow. Thanks ah! So ya, I took the train bound for Boon Lay back. And the whole journey lasted 1 hour and 45 minutes.
And I thank God for my facilitator. She talked to me today, regarding my recent (okay, so not so recent) withdrawal. She pointed out something about God's grace which really struck me. If Christians do not offer the grace of God which we have, to people whom we cannot get along with, who will? (Something along that lines... I was mentally comatose) Patience, understanding, everything which I strive so hard to nurture in myself, where are they when I go back to my class, to the real world? Thank God for Amy!
Caregroup yesterday was
amazing. God worked wonders as even the new believers bonded and enjoyed themselves. I was really encouraged by the attendance! Went to Esplanade with RP1, 3 and 4! We had amazing games and during one of the games, we had to link Chinese words. I came up with two which set the crowd roaring with laughter. Here they are with their English counterparts:
Fireman: Huo Ren
Confused: Tou Luan
Then there's of course the forfeits, which Jason (drummer) and I had to do. We had to convince a couple nearby to buy a packet of tissue. I had to act as a blind man, while Jason was mentally unsound but acted as my guide. LOL!
Psychedelic;
5:43 AM
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Alvin just shared with me a very awesome attitude I want to emulate. It's nothing new, but put across in a refreshing way.
Treat what we face as challenges and not difficulties.The "difficulties" mentality has us envison what we face as something which actively threatens to overcome us.
The "challenges" mentality, on the other hand, has us envision that what we face is something which is passive, but which we should overcome.
So which is a more positive outlook? And I don't even need to rant about the beneficial effects of positivity... I hope.
There's a certain power in knowledge. In realising your life is now not your own. You can certainly do so much more, because personal hardship is something that is secondary. And you know why spiritual growth's so important to me? That's because as a CL, I don't only have my own life to lead, but all those whom I'm taking care of. And then there's my sheeps and the people that I love. We all want to see our loved ones succeed in life don't we?
Yet for those who are still striving to rise up, there's something I absolutely have to say. Rising up is an honourable decision! It's not about the position, because we as leaders serve. Our purpose is in people, just as Christ' sacrifice was for us.
For in love He came and in love He died.****
I've often heard, and myself have been guilty of this, "It's in my nature, that's why I cannot change."
What about Paul, who changed from a fervent persecutor of the Christian ("sect" they called it, in those days), into the very man who by the grace of God wrote Philippians, Ephesians and the other letters of the New Testament?
I still remember a time I was a hot-headed kid who also struggled with vulgarities. Miraculously God changed in weeks what I struggled for years to control. Remember,
if God is not God of all then God is not God at all!
Change, if we believe (which is in itself, faith), can occur. There is no such thing as because I've always been shy, that I cannot be confident. I mean, come on, Windez was once the quiet Khian Wui who stuttered in his speech.
****
Help me to self-evaluate before I evaluate others. Yeah!
Psychedelic;
7:55 AM
Sunday, June 18, 2006
God just brought back that whole feeling of being loved and under His grace a moment ago. The Bible is amazing. De javu; back when I was a new believer, the reasons why I read the Bible, fast-forward to now. God you are amazing. And I give thanks to You.And I have to thank Alvin for talking to me just now. Self-pity is a wicked trap. It happens when you feel that you are unworthy to do anything, and it drains your energy. I guess it pretty much sums up what I was feeling the past few weeks. A Care Group seemed more than what I could handle, and by that thought I made it real.
Self-defeating prophecies. Sometimes I didn't know who to confide in, who to turn to.
In an ever-tightening hole. But it is not for me to judge whether or not I am worthy, because God has laid His grace upon me, so my lack of worthiness is of no consequence.
I have so much untapped potential!
I finally understand the gravity of the verse;
no longer I but Christ in me. Thank God for people I am around.
Psychedelic;
9:54 AM
...
...
...
Psychedelic;
8:20 AM
I'm kind of annoyed at my specs. Lousy grip; all it does is just fall off my face. I mean come on, you wear a pair of spectacles so you can see through it, not have it fall off every 5 seconds. Caused me quite a bit of embarrassment at the infocounter as I stared cock-eyed at my customers after taking them off.
Yesterday was a slightly teary night, after sending my shepherd off on a holiday.
It's just 4 days, everyone was saying. Yet, you see, I'm kind of the emo-kind. So yeah, no need to ask what happened. Pity I didn't see her go off into the departure hall. Well anyway, I've got 1 CG to plan for with Elaine, time to get courageous, as God told Joshua.
Ahhhh!So I reached home at 9.30am this morning and was hoping for a long rest. Guess not.
Okay time to get out of that lazy mood; something exciting's coming up! Contemporary Church WFL is so AWESOME! Highlights include a debate session (hehe, my fav), a presentation (another fav), AND ... ... ... A TRIP TO MOS! Wahahaha! I mean, Sam and Jasmine' going to take us to MOS! *delirious* o_O... until they said underage people would have to stay outside.
-_-"
Isolate challenges. Deal with them 1 by 1. Thank God.
Psychedelic;
2:36 AM
Thursday, June 15, 2006
TEN Praise and Worship songs. Uninterrupted. Pure God anointed. The whole week of sleepless nights have finally come to fruition. God rocks. Totally. Pretty trying day though. A lot of heartaches and stuff. But God will strengthen me. Mega thanks to Jason for praying for me.
And so I'm stuck at Ben's house because of the lack of transport home. Gosh I'm dead beat, eyelids barely open.
I still wish to spend Quiet Time.
Psychedelic;
11:11 AM
Sunday, June 11, 2006
3 more days to en Masse. in one accord
I'm nervous.Help me look up, and not sideways. I am terrified!!!
Psychedelic;
10:29 AM
Friday, June 09, 2006
Recently Blogger.com's been giving me quite some headaches, so my posts can't come up when I want them to.
I need a counterbalance.Tried to do something ambitious; a little write up on what I've learnt from Romans 8. So I failed. Oh well, I can always go back to it once more.
Skipped off to Hougang Plaza (across the island) for kbox with the rest. Didn't enjoy the trip at all! Thankfully, the meal was good (food glorious food!). Went off to Hougang Mall after that for a little walk. We took a trip down to Suntec for a meal (I didn't eat).
So I waited and waited for Heng Yu to get done. Heh, you know the cue, start speeding up, because the world ain't going to wait for you! Sorry ah Eilton, that's why we were late...LOL. I know, I know, not a good excuse. Anyways we had a fun time at NYP. *embarrassed* my 1st trip there.
Tried to look up Thomas; turns out he was having attachment somewhere across the island. Oh well. So the dudes at NYP got the 3rd place at the Bandzout competition! Gratz dudes! Had some makan and worship medleys. LOL FUN! I tell ya, we hit on a very good way to hang out. Going to develop on that!
So the trip back was relatively uneventful; took the last train back after seeing off Zani, a brother from NYP. Got to know him at Bandzout! He's Eilton's sheep, from Myanmar. Came to Singapore roughly a year ago, but he's adapting well to Singaporean food and stuff. It must be tough for people to live overseas without their parents. Well, at least he's got an older bro working here. An inspiration for all, this guy!
And I
almost reached home. That's when I decided to drop by Mac for QT. Was reading
Jeremiah 2:11-12 just as Germany scored the 2nd goal.
11 Has a nation ever changed its gods?(Yet they are not gods at all.)But my people have exchanged their Gloryfor worthless idols.
12 Be appalled at this, O heavens,and shudder with great horror,"declares the LORD.Shocked the guts out of me. How many times do we let our wants/desires overcome us in place of God? Those two verses stuck with me all the way home.
And I guess I've learnt something about myself.
I want to rant. Can I?
Psychedelic;
11:19 AM
Thursday, June 08, 2006
It's crazy. One minute I'm fine and another I sit there feeling very very very insulted. Extrasensory premonition? Then suddenly I get angry. The whole point being that I wasn't provoked.
Hmmm, I drafted a super long post on trust but that didn't work out. Blog post turned into compost in one second. Grrr. But think about it, when we say, I trust you, how much do we really mean it. I mean, when things don't work out and everything starts to fall apart, how strong is that trust?
Then there's that issue of whether the trust is mutual or not, because with chaos on either side, success is nigh impossible. (To simply put it, if there is mistrust on either side, it won't work out)
Which is why I am amazed at the trust put in me by God. I fail, I fall, I crumbled, I shatter, yet each time He can take me back without disdain. I am this
imperfect, self-inflicting creature because of sin, so unworthy. And I ask myself, how much can I extend this trust to my sheeps? Right there, there is this perfect example of a perfect shepherd.
Perfect. It just makes me want to repent.
Divine Exchange. Sure, the environment shouldn't affect us.
But often it does. Bring me back.
Its interesting how time and a single song can change my mood so drastically. I suddenly don't feel insulted anymore.
It doesn't matter. I'm more concerned about improving stuff than getting angry and losing valuable time, energy at, well, getting angry.
Think I better get off now. Kbox tomorrow @ 11. At Hougang. Ugh.
I HOPE I CAN BY SOME MIRACLE READ THE CHINESE WORDS...
Psychedelic;
10:06 AM
Monday, June 05, 2006
Normally, I'd delete these kind of emails after a read. Or possibly cut and paste them in a Word document somewhere in my com
before deleting them. I guess there are some things with this particular email which caught my attention.
****
The 'LITTLE' ThingsAs you might know, the head of a company survived 9/11 because his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident.
One of them missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.
One's car wouldn't start.
One went back to answer the telephone.
One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.
One couldn't get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot.
He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.
Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone... all the little things that annoy me. I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment...
Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; God is at work watching over you.
May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose. Pass this on to someone else, if you'd like.
There is NO LUCK attached. If you delete this, it's okay: God's Love Is Not Dependent On E-Mail!
(That’s the cool part)
AMEN
****
So, why did it captured my attention? Well, for firsts, I felt this person really knew God. Other similar emails always add that 'luck' element (like send and be blessed, otherwise suffer consequences).
God's love is not dependent on email!I believe too, if a vessel doesn't wish to be used, God merely uses other people. So the question here isn't about whether
God will bless you for what you've done, but that God will bless you because of who you are.
By the way, CG outing @ Sentosa on 7 June 2006! Meet @ HarbourFront MRT Station @ 11am! There'll be fun and games, food and fellowship!
Psychedelic;
4:58 AM
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Sleep deprivation sucks. Had a whale of a time, I tell ya.
Started off with meetings and stuff on Saturday afternoon. Also had my
second info-counter duty! Info-counter rocks; you get to mix around with people you don't usually speak to when they come topay tithes or buy stuff! Info-counter duty this time round was interesting; the Youth Service 2 had to pay for WFL courses, so I had a lot of stuff to do. Couldn't copy notes from service, but I enjoyed the experience! Pity, we finished duty late. hAhAx.
After a brief "en Masse" hosting planning, we skooted off to the pool tables. Ironically, I didn't play; we took photos instead. A kind TP sister provided the cam. (Where's the pics???)
After some trivia, I FINALLY REACHED CECIL's house! Had quite a few rounds of mahjong, but we were like all dead from the day's activities. Skooted off to take a nap from 1+ to 3+, then resumed mahjong. Heh, that was the last of rest I had for the rest of the day.
Some things I learnt:
1) Tranferring ministries certainly takes some getting used to. I mean, it's like breaking away from the friends you've been used to so long and resettling in a foreign environment. Thank God for Cecil for participating and getting to know his new Care Group members! Adult Service's blessed to have you on board, bro!
2) I have a confession to make; I went for the sleepover (sort of) with an agenda. Now this might or might not be funny, but in any case, I'm indemnified to any possible consequences: I went there to learn how to conduct a successful sleepover. I've learnt that a sleepover has certain characteristics:
- Sleepover hinges on a particular activity (say mahjong for example)
- Sleepover doesn't usually mean sleeping
- Sleepover requires preparation in the form of early rest the previous day
- Sleepover is addictive
And so I had shepherding with Sharon, met my *new* sheep, Wei Siang, from TP (jia you bro! you can do it for your projects!) and shepherded my sheep, Heng Yu. So it's a day of meet-ups, follow-ups and learning!
Note to self: what's inside should complement, and not contradict what's outside.
Psychedelic;
5:37 AM
Friday, June 02, 2006
Holidays have started. Uhhh, so? x_x
It's powerful how songs can inspire and encourage us so much.
A snippet of We Are The Reason by Avalon:
We are the reason that He gave His lifeWe are the reason that He suffered and diedTo a world that was lost He gave all He could giveTo show us the reason to liveHe is the reason we liveAnd another:
Majesty
Here I am, humbled by Your Majesty (Humbled by the love that You give)
Covered by Your grace so free (Forgiven so that I can forgive)
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man (Here I stand, knowing that I'm Your desire)
Covered by the blood of the Lamb (Sanctified by glory and fire)
And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since You laid down Your life
The greastest sacrifice
Majesty Majesty
Your Grace has found me just as I am (Forever I am changed by Your love)
Empty-handed but alive in Your hands (In the presence of Your Majesty)
I need anointing like never before.
Psychedelic;
6:48 PM
Thursday, June 01, 2006
History of the Word Part 1 by Mel Brooks. It's
intellectually stimulating. A joke I share with my sheep, heh. (Wanna know what? Ask me!) Full of puns, satires and pure fun poking. The magic is in his word-power (makes me seem like an elementary school kid taking English as a third language...) Too bad it's pretty vulgar and unsuitable for younger audiences (sexual references here and there). Care Group attendance was dismal. Nevertheless, those who did turn up enjoyed the movie treat. Sharon laughed all the way till... you guessed it, she fell asleep. Never got that one; why she sleeps at almost every movie screening (save perhaps Phantom of the Opera, where everyone else sleeps).
Was camera friendly today. I didn't realise Ming Li's phone was,
1. 3G/bluetooth enabled (which is cool)
2. Super mega kick-ass camera (which is better than cool)
3. A non-Nokia phone which is actually good (okay so I'm biased on this one, who cares anyway?)
Got the nice pics, then realised when we transferred it over to Sharon's phone; all we could see was a black image because of the disparity in pixel quality. Pity, I don't get to have new wallpapers. =/ (Oh well, my shepherd's *ahem* face will have to do for now).
*SOUND THE ALARMS, SOUND THE ALARMS* SHARON'S PHONE IS MISSING!And I'm counting down to my holidays. Somebody, stop me! xD
Psychedelic;
9:13 AM
